Parenting is the most challenging journey you will ever embark up on. When I was pregnant, I thought child birth is the most difficult part. For those who are not parents yet, or expectant parents, let me tell you, It is not! The tricky part comes afterwards and it is not because of sleepless nights and nappy changes. You are often, worrying if what you said to your child is right. am I a good mother/father? Am I raising them right? We all want the best for our children but not sure how? I am in no way a parenting expert, but I still remember being a child. Here are the 7 things I do hoping that, it will positively influence my little girl.
1.Respecting the child as an Individual
I was raised by Indian parents in the 90s and onwards, and I am sure a lot of you can relate with this. The evidence of successful parenting back then was a child who obeys everything and not talk back to elders even if they are wrong. I remember my teenage self being made fun off, for claiming that I am an individual and my wishes need to be respected. Now, I know my parents did their best to their knowledge and I turned out to be reasonably well. But here is what I do to respect my child as person and she is only 3 1/2 years to put things in perspective;
- I accept her choices even when they are not in line with my choice for her
- I don’t interrupt her when she is talking, although completing a simple sentence take a long time, sometimes.
- I don’t laugh at her when she makes a mistake
- I discuss any changes in her routine with her, this includes eating out or going on a vacation or big changes like moving to a new house. This has acted in our favour many times, making it easier when the event happens.
2. Expressing love verbally and Non verbally.
I tell her I love her, everyday, multiple times. It wasn’t a thing in my childhood to hear from your parents that they love you. It was given. But, there were times I wanted to hear it. This is especially important after a meltdown, tantrum, frustration. She knows that no matter what happens mummy loves her. It is not reinforcing the negative behaviour but the opposite. This makes the child feels safe and secure, build the thought that love is unconditional.
3.Parenting with a growth mindset
Now, I believe this section needs it’s own blog post. Growth mindset is being open to challenges, believing in your abilities and intelligence to grow rather than limiting believes, such as this is how I am, I can’t change etc. Having a growth mindset is especially important in parenting to raise children to be confident and successful adults. When we watch movies like Moana, we discuss how hard work and perseverance leads to success when nobody believed in them other than themselves. We also practice this when she is on a hard puzzle, about to give up. it is important to use the words ‘yet’ I can’t do it yet, but I am working on it! Check out Big Life Journal to learn more about this.
4.It is okay to have emotions and share them!
I feel like we go through a roller coaster of emotions everyday together. We talk about our emotions and how we deal with them. She knows, just like how she shares her happiness and excitement with me, she can also share feelings of anger and sadness. I hope this is opening the gate for lifelong trust and confidence and she will share her feelings later on in her life as well. We love playing the puzzles on emotions and talking about each of them. There are many puzzles available at varying costs, but here is a cheap one from K-mart, that will do the trick as well!
5. Not forcing her to share
When, I was a child, I was often told good kids share. Especially if it is a younger child asking or some times an adult. I have only seen this in India, an adult asking a child to share his/her snacks or toys with them, to test if the child shares. Then the parents go on insisting the child to share. I think it is absolutely ridiculous! I believe, there is a big impact of this later in adult life, with giving up what is yours easily! Without any doubt, there is a generation of us suffering from lack of confidence, self esteem and assertiveness. Now, I am not saying kids shouldn’t share, but they shouldn’t feel powerless either. If any of her friends are coming over or we are going to a friends house we talk about in advance and she is happy to share her toys with her friends. We talk about taking turns and it usually works.
6.Unconditional Parenting
I am still learning about this by reading Alfie Kohn‘s book on unconditional parenting. This is not an easy concept to digest since conventional parenting is based on conditions. If you behave well in the restaurant you can get a treat (positive reinforcement), you had a big tantrum and threw your stuff around go to your room/time out (consequences, withdrawal of love) These are great to train animals, but psychological implications on kids would be not so great. Yesterday, Faith was not on board with turning the television off after her screen time was over, so she threw my phone on the floor along with screaming and roaring like a little tiger. She was upset by her own behavior and came to me for a hug right after, she got it! I am hoping to learn more from this book.
7. Teaching mindfulness
We love practicing mindfulness. It helps kids to be in touch with themselves, their emotions, and it is an important skill to have. It could be as simple as taking deep breaths in and out for a minute (I use the breathing app in my watch, she loves looking at it) Once, I asked her to think of her happy place, I was expecting play ground but she surprised me with beach! There are also some good ones in you tube for free like rainbow relaxation.
As I said in the beginning none of us are experts in parenting, but we were all kids ones, so be in their shoes time to time is the best we can do. I hope you enjoyed reading this, let me know your thoughts in the comments below. I feel like there is lot more I can write on each of these points, if you are interested in any one of them in particular let me know.
Parenting can be hard, challenging and overwhelming, read about the three circles of stress management here